Friday Tea Time - Rant Edition
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I know, I haven’t done Tea Time in a few weeks. Go fly a kite, I’m busy doing stuff. In order to keep all my greedy readers happy, this Friday is dedicated to the rants and controversial posts of the past week or so. Did you know that the shortest war in history was between Great Britain and Zanzibar in 1896. The Brits took 38 minutes to scare Zanzibar into surrendering. WTF? What the hell am I talking about.
* Let’s start with SEO for the homeless from Wingnut. Politically correct? Not. Relevant to SEO? Certainly. You gotta use linkbait on those cardboard signs. What’s gonna get you more coin: “Need money for food” or “Aliens abducted my dog, need money for ransom”. I don’t know about you but I’ve seen a lot of the first, kinda like I’ve seen the same shitty affiliate site quite a few times. Homeless people have to stand out too. Dave got a bit of crap from this over on that sainthood social group. Come off it you wankers! (I’m going Brit today since they can kick some Zanzibar ass).
* It wouldn’t be a rant (i almost published this when that said rand…that would have been funny) edition without including the newly introduced profanity of the month. Bloody hell. Following that up is a note to all online daters…don’t be a cockwaffle.
* Google Reviewer Guidelines are in the wild. I have a copy and it has some interesting and very useful stuff in it. Thanks to BlackHat und GreyHat Zeug for the hookup. If you want to check out the full copy for yourself, go sign up for the SEO Black Hat Members Only Forum…you’ll find it there along with mucho amounts of useful goodies.
* Fucking Microsoft. I’ve wondered for quite a while why anything with a high number of threads is slow ass hell. Everyone in this thread is 50 times smarter than me so I’m glad they’re around to show me how to do this stuff. And Microsoft can suck balls. There are plenty of legit reasons to run multiple connections. Wankers. But we already know they’re a little slow.
* Are you mad? If not you suck and you’re probably already letting Google steal your big screen.
* < pause in ranting > I really dig this site. He’s been around for six months or so but I get loads of info..and it’s time for a new design for this blog. Right? So check out Hack WordPress.
* In the tradition of my thoughts on SEO celebrity wankers, Neil Patel gets a thumbs up for helping out the little guy. Thumbs up to you! You know where the rest of you big shots can go.
* Here’s an ASW rant, just cause it has rant in the title. And it’s a valid point for all you affiliate sales fuckers.
* Hey AdSense, you can blow me. Now they want a privacy policy for everything along with the fifty other things they won’t let you do. I’ll be clicking the agree button on May 14th, then still not doing what they say. Ban me? Ooooohhhh. Who runs AdSense anyway…unless it’s MFA you can do better with something else. Like affiliate programs you find through Affspy (PS: I’m waiting on my invite!)
* Domainers are getting attacked. First with this crap anti-phishing bill that gives the big guys too much clout. On top of that, Google is allowing advertisers to opt out of parked domain ads. Good for advertisers at the moment since the parking companies aren’t that sophisticated yet and bad for the domainer who has too many domains to manually set up each and every one. That could be a whole post.
* I like twitter, but the waiting-at-the-airport-twitter? He has a point.
* One of my favorite blogs, I think I’ll have to disagree with. Halfdeck <3's Shari Thurow and says he agrees with her post that was pulled out of an elephants ass. Which confuses me because at the end he says nofollow shouldn’t be the first thing on the list. Well duh. Sorry man, anyone that agrees with that post gets the 1 day silent treatment 
Okay, so that wasn’t quite a full on rant, but gimme a break, these posts take forever. So this Friday, do a little ranting, drink some beers, buy Lisa some new $200 shoes (pink please) before she kills someone or sends her personal assassin out on a hit, and then drink some more beers. Cheerio! (Is that what they say over across the pond? I can’t remember)
Find Your Way To Blackberry Nirvana
I’m somewhat of a huge Blackberry fan. I’ll pass on the child-toy iPhone. It’s all fun until you try and do something useful with it other than scroll pictures around on your screen like a 12 year old. I’ve been using a blackberry for around 5 years starting with the old ass “didn’t even have color” kind and recently migrated to the Pearl 8130 on the stellar advice of my favorite Blackberry blog BBGeeks.com.
If you own a Blackberry, or are intelligently thinking about buying one over a stupid apple thing, then BB Geeks is a must-have resource. They’ve got a huge resource of Blackberry Apps, lots of reviews on Blackberry providers, and along with their frequent tips and tools via their blog they even have a BB Geeks twitter feed.
For example, today they saved me the daily routine of deleting emails from my Gmail account that I have already seen on my blackberry. Without their comparison on pushing your email vs the Blackberry Gmail application I would have forever been wasting time. Thanks friends! Keep telling my stupid ass how to use this thing!
Be sure to go check out their Blackberry store where you can find just about any Blackberry software and accessories that exists. And for the sake of all mankind, if you need one more reason not to get an iPhone, here you go:
Impulse Domain Lookup Tool
You know when you’re at the store standing in line and they give you all those enticing items like Big Red and Energizer batteries? We all know what they are, but sometimes we can’t help ourselves. So I wanted to throw this out there real quick so everyone knows about it. And since everyone ON THE PLANET reads this blog, then mission accomplished.I’ve been beta testing a Domain Lookup Firefox extension from Richard Kershaw at Quality Nonsense. I renamed it the “Impulse Domain Lookup Tool”. Say you’re reading a story in the CNN technology section on wireless earphones and decide you want to check real quick to see if wirelessearbuds.com is available. All it takes is a right click or keyboard shortcut to open a new window and query the registrar of your choice.
Piece of cake people. By the way impulsedomain.com is still available so act now!
Affiliate Marketing The Fun Way…With Boobs!
Anyway, on to the marketing part…Just kidding.
Okay, now on to the marketing part…for real. One thing that immediately jumped out was the ability to create custom ad blocks with whatever publishers and whatever ads you want in them. I’ve left them up over on the left sidebar for a sneak peak (I don’t really like text ads so they’ll be gone soon). It will auto-rotate your ads in and out and this way you can make them as relevant as you like. Here is a video from Pepperjam on creating the custom ads:
Pretty slick stuff and not something I’ve seen at any other network (disclaimer: I’m not much into affiliate marketing, although I hope to change that soon). There are a couple advertisers in there that all of us know. SEOmoz (How dare Rand and crew associate themselves with naked girls!) and Search Engine Strategies
(I can see them associating with naked girls, they’re kinda shady). You can even get instructional DVD’s for sexual positions.
It appears they have around 150 advertisers right now so I’ll dig through it and pick something out and see if I can make it work. I’ll post again with how it goes. I’m also interested in what this post will rank for 
And just because I can:
UPDATE: Nick Wilsdon gets a link because he signed up for the Pepperjam Affiliate Network. You rule Nick, I owe you a beer. Everyone else who signs up I owe a beer to as well.
Friday Tea Time - 2/22/08
Viva Las Vegas. In a drunken spur of the moment decision Wednesday I’m heading to Vegas tonight and will be there until Sunday night. So if any of you nutjobs will be at Affiliate Summit early shoot me an email or twit me a tweet and we can hook up for some Jager shots and beers.
* Let’s start off with some sneaky sneaky. Continue your blackhat education wth 5ubliminal with Web Scraping 101. He does the world a service by getting you started but not giving everything away. That way you lazy bastards actually have to learn it. And he has the best RSS button ever.
* After you’ve learned the basics of scraping don’t forget to avoid leaving footprints and if you want a domainers angle check out Black Hat Domainers take on a newly released patent on stop words.
* Mike explains a completely whitehat method of keeping track of your links for your completely [not] whitehat link dumping linkbuilding activites. He’s gives us great examples of looking at things from high view…subscribe to his feed now before it’s too late.
* DVD Jon makes the world a safer place again. God bless the rebellion.
* It was a full week of Guestwhores since Sugarrae went and played in the sun. You can see my 37 days of debauchery with Scooby Doo.
* Scrape the search funnels from AdLabs. Haven’t tried it yet, but could be really useful in automating keyword lists.
* Brian has a good SEO for Drupal tutorial up. I’ve got a project I’m thinking about starting that will need something more robust than wordpress and it will be my first Drupal showing so thanks for the tips…because SEO is like poker
* Since He is so famous, I must link to please the overlord.
* Jon posted about DoshDosh sphinning a post at Problogger on kicking StumbleAss. Was that confusing? In other words, don’t stumble this post.
* Bitches. Just because I hadn’t used any fucking bad words yet.
* Interweb Gold: 10 Things Every Adult Should Know (NSFW as if anything in this category ever is). And to follow up on #3…Stuff White People Like.
That’s it for Vegas Friday. I should be hammered by 9pm…which is our arrival time in Vegas. I think we have enough drink tickets to buy the entire plane beers the whole way. Again, if anyone will be there tomorrow, let me know and I’ll furnish the shots. Out.
My Take On Famous SEO Celebrity Nonsense
Since we’re all on this topic today. What makes a famous SEO anyway. That to me is an idiotic term. Let’s take other industries. Are there “O-Ring Sales Celebrities” and are there secret O-Ring meetings? People shouldn’t want to be famous, they should just want to make some connections. Don’t be an ass, help people when you can and they’ll help you in return. All it takes is an email, no need for a blog if you don’t want to write one. It’s called networking people. So without further ado:If you’re a “famous” SEO and you are a douchebag fucktard that only will associate with other “famous” SEO fucktards and are holier than everyone else because you think you’re entitled:
If you’re a “famous” SEO and friendly to the people that are friendly to you, help your colleagues when you can, and although you probably don’t have time to talk to the little guy sometimes that’s okay because your time is limited and having that many people clamoring to be your friend just to use you is probably annoying but it’s the effort that counts:
If you’re a “regular” SEO and you are a douchebag fucktard that only will associate with “famous” SEO fucktards because you think that’s the only way you’re going to get anywhere:
If you’re a “regular” SEO and friendly to the people that are friendly to you, help your colleagues, and give everyone a chance whether they’re famous or not:
If you’re a human and buy me a beer at the next conference
