5 Reasons Why You’re A Douchebag

by TheMadHat on April 13, 2007

I hate top 10 lists. I know they can be a great summary of information and the titles are sure to bring in some traffic (like you, just now). However, I find in about half the cases they are either geared for people trying to make digg or they just suck. Unbelievably, I found this on the front page of Yahoo highlighted as a main story. I’ve had personal experience pricing Yahoo Marketplace links and I know how incredibly expensive they are and also how much traffic a front page link will bring. These prime real estate spots exist so you can find out how to pick up women. First let’s just make fun of the list:

1. She has a great dog, so you pet the dog and ask, “What’s your dog’s name?” Obviously she will tell you, to which you can comment on how sweet the dog is and the conversation should naturally unfold.

2. You’re in a cafĂ© and she has a newspaper. You can ask, “Do you mind if I read that section when you’re done?” When she gives it to you, ask, “Anything exciting I should read first?”

3. On an airplane, ask to borrow a pen. If you’re feeling really courageous, once you’ve got her pen, shake her hand and say very seriously, “Nice to meet you, I’m ranked #2 among America’s Most Wanted Pen Thieves. Ever seen it?” Sure it’s kinda cheesy, but it’s also the kind of off-the-wall thing women love.

4. At a diner, ask her if you can borrow the salt from her table. When she gives it to you, say, “Thanks, I saw you eyeballing it so I thought I’d help out by removing the temptation for you. Salt is very bad for you, ya know,” as you proceed to douse your own food with it — another one that’s sure to get some laughs.

5. In a bank line, you can even use the lack of customer service on the part of the tellers as a prop. Why? Because it gives you something to talk about — that’s exactly what props are for.

Okay…so the dog one has a chance. But let’s take a look at #3. “I’m ranked on America’s Most Wanted Pen Thieves”. Are you kidding me?? I’d rather shoot myself in the face.

I’m going to skip all the rest and get to the point. The article, which is on the front page of Yahoo and has been since last night, links to his “date coaching” store found at http://www.attractandapproach.com/. What do we see when we hit the site?

I am a DOUCHEBAG!

Any idea how much revenue this guy is wasting? Who cares if your site was a little crappy before. Don’t take it down as soon as you get that much targeted traffic. Do a redesign after you make a shit-load of sales. Or maybe you should call me and I’ll charge you a small fortune to be on retainer so you don’t make dumb ass mistakes like that.

Sidebar: Sorry for the lack of Tea Time this week. Getting ready to board the plane home from SES NY and didn’t really get time. Instead of reading Tea Time, go make fun of David Wygant for being a retard.

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